holding on,
by happywhitedaisies
Summary: would be much easier if kise had something more conspicuous to grip. / rated M for the topics raised/unbetaed/slight sex(?) / behind the scenes of a model and his insecurities- do r&r !


**Pairing: **Aomine x Kise  
**Warnings:** unbeta-ed, angst, topic on eating disorders

* * *

The consecutive blinding of flashes would turn anybody typhlotic. Nevertheless, hot-selling number one model Kise Ryouta is invulnerable. From the gleams of his hair to his scrawny ankles, Kise Ryouta is known as absolute perfection, the icon of perpetual beauty. Every magazine that has him on the cover page is undeniably sold out. Stuck in the climax of his profession, he is sumptuously showered with opulence and gratification. His million dollar smile make girls swoon, boys involuntarily green with envy of the popular idol. Oh and did I mention that his pretty face is not his only asset, Kise has an outgoing, bubbly and cheerful personality which makes him all the more the perfect individual. Companies and organizations are rioting to cast him for movie roles, guest star appearances and photoshoots, countless and countless of photoshoots. It's a demanding cycle for the blonde but he makes little to no complaints.

But little did everybody know that his smile is well-rehearsed on a daily basis and his lines are at least recited seven times in his head. Nobody is born perfect- that includes Kise Ryouta himself.

"Beauty is strength. Without beauty, you're nothing."

"Turn to the left a little- yes that's good oh god you're so good yes, yes. Face me and wow that's great Now can we have a big smil- yes that's it, great smile and just a couple more shots and we're done! Thank you for the hard work!" Kise smiled and bowed slightly, "Thank you for your hard work! It's been a long night. See you all tomorrow!" Kise hoped his voice sounded less weary that he thinks it is. He was in the studio for nine hours straight. His shoot lasted for around six hours with minimal breaks and it has been fifteen hours since he last ate. The rumbles from his insides were practically inaudible to his haggard mind._ I have a beach shoot tomorrow I can't-_

Only when Kise steps into his apartment, his muscles immediately relaxes. Eyes closed, lips parted, he staggers and falls against his door for support. He is exhausted as heck. His legs gave in and slumped down achingly. The growl from his stomach is begging now but he relents. Kise doesn't make it to his bed. Sprawled on the marble tiles, he only made it halfway but he couldn't care less.

* * *

Pills are supposed to be taken in moderate amounts appropriately in specific intervals, not shoved down the throat and forcefully swallowed, He can't maintain this facade for long. It's not about how well he does it but rather how much longer he can hold for. / It's not enough. He can feel the curve of his bones pushing towards his skin. This isn't healthy but that again, nothing ever is.

He throws up. The remains of his scrumptious dinner are questionable after spewing them out. Kise recognizes the chunk of meat that is floating on his vomit in the toilet bowl. Disgusting. That was how he is inside out. It's hard to keep up with the demands from the never satisfying public. Society is moulding him to somebody he's not and he can't stop. He flushes without catching a last glimpse.

* * *

His supposedly lover is away at least half of the time. Nevertheless, Kise loves him as much as the coke and alcohol makes him high. It's an exhausting way up but just with the click of his tongue, everything could be coming down and crushed instantly. More than a dozen unreplied messages sit in Kise's phone, waiting to be read. He couldn't not care less even if he wanted to. Frantic heartbeats and the chattering of teeth reminded Kise how pathetic he is. You could never predict the boy's sanity. He is like the small tidal waves that crashes the shore with a hint of cool breeze but he is also the earthquake that cracks the cement floors.

Tonight, Kise feels rather lonely so he dialed his lover's number by heart. He is curled up into a ball with his right hand trembling as he fumbles to keep the phone upright beside his ear. The dialing tone made his heart beat hysterically. / Breathe , he thought to himself as he tried to take deep breaths to stabilize his breathing. Suddenly, the dialing tone is cut off and Kise's heart freezes for a moment before the voicemail message starts. Tears start to well up in his eyes. His quivering lips parted slightly to produce a soft, almost inaudible voice, "P-please call back. Daiki please."

Aomine did call back, after six hours and Kise is fast asleep. Two missed calls and Aomine is done trying but he's nice enough to leave a text saying "don't ask me to call you when you are just going to sleep stupid. take care tho' ." He phrased it in an Aomine-way, sort of assholey but in a more caring way that he knows Kise could pick up. You only can do so much without face-to-face interaction. Aomine could distinguish the helplessness in the whispers of the voicemail. He would've called a couple of more times but with a hot babe on his left and a drink on his right, he is too occupied to deal with his boyfriend issues.

* * *

Eventually, the detached couple reconciled on a cold Saturday night. Winter is approaching but Kise's heart was already frozen. Plans and photoshoots were all cancelled with some swift typing on Kise's phone. He was clear for the weekends, for the fleeting time he gets to spend with Aominecchi.

When Aomine's fingertips brushed Kise's skin, it sent electrifying vibes through his blood vessels. He had been looking forward to meet his lover again but suddenly he felt scrunched up, lost and afraid. All the might and power he held in the industry is reduced to nothing. Once again, Aomine makes the first move. He forcibly snaked Kise's arm on his and dragged him to somewhere safer and less colder.

They ended up in Kise's apartment. Aomine heaves a sigh of relief before pulling away from Kise but he can't because Kise is hanging onto Aomine's arm as if it was his dear life. Strong, muscular arms circled the shivering body. The firm embrace lets warmth to be transported from one body to the other. Kise snuggled towards his lover, pressing his body as close as he could to melt the invisible frost on his skin and hopefully thaw his frozen heart.

Buttons come undone and clothes are being taken off as Kise latches his bony arms onto Aomine's neck. They are lip-locking with an apparent lust and need to kiss each other till one's lips couldn't handle it anymore. Aomine kisses each and every woe streaming out from Kise's eyes and wipes any excess with his thumb. All of a sudden, the only thing that mattered then was Kise, Kise and Kise.

Aomine is all he breathes, all he sees and all he feels. The lewdness boiling in his abdomen is making him ashamed of how desperate he is for the burn in his thighs and the ache at the small of his back. Still, he wrings his flexible body into unconventional positions. The taller male tries to support the blonde, holding his head, arms, legs to give him the pleasure they both want. Both of them are on their sides, Kise's back meets Aomine's chest. After finding a position they both can manage, Aomine pushes it in. Kise arches his body backwards and his head hits Aomine's shoulder blade. He lets out a soft cry before nodding his head. Aomine lets loose after the approval from Kise and he starts moving and pushing in the fastest pace he thinks Kise can handle. Kise slides up and down Aomine's body, creating delactable friction between their two bodies. He could hear the steadfast thumps from the other's chest. Kise swears that it was heaven to his ears.

* * *

Being numb is a blessing in disguise. Kise is very experienced with goodbyes. To say goodbye to his fans, goodbye to his co-workers and goodbye to Aomine were three different things altogether. He had to admit the ones with Aominecchi hurt more but anything regarding Aominecchi hurts more. He walked the tan male out of his apartment building. It was beginning to snow heavily so Kise gave Aomine his thickest, wooliest scarf to keep him warmth and to make him remember Kise's scent. Before boarding the pre-booked cab, Aomine turns back to meet Kise's eyes for the last time. Kise flashes a grin but that isn't what Aomine wants to see. The blonde's expression soften and gives him one of his more geunine smiles, mouthing "I'll be alright". Dark blue orbs searched for any signs of fakery but he could only picked up a sense of longing and loneliness in the other's honey eyes. Aomine smiles at him for the last time before slamming the door and waving goodbye. Kise's smile falters as he watches the cab drives away. When he couldn't see that small yellow vehicle at the end of the street, his chest started to sting. He brushes the snow off his frame and goes back into the lobby. His arm reaches out to press the lift's buttons but he pauses. A blizzard surged through his body and froze whatever parts of him that was melted. He was hit with a realization that he is alone again.

Kise is slumped on his apartment floor with a bottle in his hand. He takes a swig of his drink and counts his visible rib bones showing on his skin. It tallys to a specific number that he feels content about. His stomach is growling louder than the music he is blasting, louder than his own heartbeat. He rests his body on the floor, staring at the marble and his ombre carpet. A pounding starts growing at the back of his head, his vision is swirling around with the colors of his carpet.

_...she knows how I work _  
_How I run, my insides _  
_I will second guess _  
_Everything about me _  
_You're the only one that could see_

Kise closes his eyelids slowly as if he was injected with an anaesthetic drug, drifting into his deranged rhapsody.

_How fucking crazy _  
_I was starting to be..._

* * *

**A/N: **ヾ( ･`⌓´･)ﾉﾞ i am finally done with this fanfict! it has been sitting in my folders for weeks (i have like 5 more incomplete aokise fanficts) (╬ Ò ‸ Ó) i really need to start working on them! i am absolutely sorry with the grammar mistakes once again. It was actually inspired by the movie- Helter Skelter but then I kind of stopped and left it rotting... I picked it up again and continued the lover part.. It's off from what I initially planned but still thank you for reading this!

I'm quite mean to my darlings really! Always making Kise the unstable one (*´_ゝ｀) I apologize Kise-fans! Do leave a review or your thoughts after reading this! I want to write more fluff and lovey-dovey things but everything turns out sad and semi-dark ヽ（゜ロ゜；）ノ I am not sure if my style is accepted... so do leave a comment and don't hesitate to message me ayee ~


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